THE "HAPPY MARRIAGE" SECRET NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

Why “Fairness” is Killing Your Marriage (And What to Do Instead)

This might sound a little unbelievable at first, but hear me out. If your marriage feels stuck—if you’re frustrated, exhausted, or just plain disappointed—the secret I’m about to share could completely transform your teetering relationship into a happy marriage.

The secret you are about to learn is simple but not necessarily easy. But if you commit to it for at least six months, I believe you’ll see a shift that makes it worth continuing for a lifetime.

The Fairness Trap

Most individuals enter marriage with an unspoken expectation: marriage should be fair. If we invest effort, we anticipate our spouse will do the same. If we manage chores, parenting, and emotional support, they should contribute their share.

When we feel like we’re shouldering more than our fair share, resentment grows. “Why am I doing all the work?” we ask. “Why don’t they appreciate me?”

Here’s the hard truth: Marriage isn’t about fairness. The moment we start keeping score, we’ve already lost.

The 60/40 Mindset Secret

Happy couples don’t think in terms of 50/50. Instead, they strive to contribute more than their fair share. They embrace a 60/40 mindset, with each individual aiming to give 60% while expecting only 40% in return.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That sounds unfair! But let’s view it from another angle. When both partners commit to going above and beyond for each other, the tension over who’s doing what vanishes. Instead of being caught in a cycle of unmet expectations and frustration, you build a marriage rooted in generosity, grace, and selflessness.

The Problem with Keeping Score

Think about it—who determines what’s fair?

Many of us overestimate our contributions while undervaluing the efforts of our spouses. We often feel that we’re doing more but seldom grasp the full extent of what they are handling.

For example, you may be taking on more housework, but are you also considering your spouse’s emotional burdens? The work stress they don’t talk about? The ways they try to express love that you might not notice?

The moment we start keeping score, we start resenting instead of appreciating.

“But What If My Spouse Doesn’t Change?”

I can already hear the objections:

“I would love to give more, but my spouse won’t do the same. If I step up, they’ll just let me do everything!”

That’s a genuine fear. Initially, it might seem like that’s exactly what’s occurring. But

here’s the reality: You can’t change your spouse; you can only change yourself. (Dang. I wish I had learned that lesson 48 years ago. I could have saved myself [and Gwyn] so much frustration. Frankly, there’s no earthly reason our marriage should have survived

me. Only a heavenly one. And for that, this man is grateful.)

When you release frustration and begin serving your spouse out of love rather than obligation, the entire atmosphere of your marriage transforms. Your spouse will take notice—perhaps not immediately, but over time. And the amazing part? They will begin to change as well. Not because you pressured them into it but because your kindness and consistency softened their hearts.

The Biblical Model of Love

This isn’t just a good marriage strategy—it’s a biblical principle.

Jesus didn’t love us because we deserved it. He didn’t wait for us to meet Him halfway. He gave everything for us, knowing we could never repay Him.

Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

That’s not conditional love. That’s sacrificial love.

Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

What if we applied that to marriage?

When both spouses commit to prioritizing each other, marriage ceases to feel like a battle of “who’s doing more.” Instead, it transforms into a beautiful reflection of Christ’s love—selfless, unconditional, and filled with grace.

How to Start Changing Your Marriage Today

Maybe you’re thinking, Okay, this all sounds great—but how do I do it?

Here are some practical ways to shift from a fairness mindset to a 60/40 mindset:

1. Stop Keeping Score

Make a deliberate choice to stop keeping track of who does what. Instead, seek opportunities to serve your spouse without expecting anything in return.

2. Out Serve Each Other

If your spouse seems distant, show extra kindness. Offer your support if they’re facing difficulties. Express your love through actions, not just words.

3. Pray for a Heart Change

Pray for God to soften your heart toward your spouse. Pray for them—not just for their change but for your ability to love them better.

4. Communicate Openly

Instead of making assumptions, ask your spouse what they need from you. And when they tell you, listen without defensiveness.

5. Lead with Love, Not Resentment

If you feel unappreciated, don’t lash out—choose love. Remember, you’re not only serving your spouse; you’re serving God.

The 60/40 Rule in a Happy Marriage

A strong marriage isn’t merely about splitting everything down the middle; it’s about both partners giving more than what’s considered “fair.”

Not 50/50, but 60/40. That’s the real magic you pray for—it compounds its effectiveness when it’s mutual. Then it isn’t about 60/40 versus 40/60, but rather 60/40 <—> 60/40.

When both partners stop keeping score and focus on serving one another, marriage ceases to feel transactional. It transforms into a partnership centered on love and sacrifice—just as God intended.

Give It a Try

This might sound unrealistic. But don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Commit for six months. Stop waiting for your spouse to change, and focus on changing yourself first.

You might just be amazed at what happens.

I’m praying for you and your marriage. May God bless your journey as you step into a love that transcends fairness—into a kind of love that truly endures.

 

An Afterthought to Secrets of a Happy Marriage

PS: One of my mentors wondered if the percentage shouldn’t be, “I give 100% and let my spouse contribute whatever they can. In a way, it shouldn’t matter what the spouse does. My God-given responsibility to him or her is my own. It’s not my role to ensure that he or she fulfills their responsibility.”

I certainly can’t disagree with his point of view, but when I began making these changes in my life, it wasn’t easy to even get myself to go 60%. Sixty-forty is a place to start. God will move you from there.